Whole disclosure, I have long considered myself conflict avoidant. Chalk it up to currently being a Libra peacemaker, who craves harmonious associations, as perfectly as somebody who grew up in a home in which elevated voices were being unusual. As a consequence, I did not understand how to gracefully navigate the waters of opposing viewpoints. Much more often than not, I would “go alongside to get along” and refrain from rocking the boat lest it capsize in emotionally stormy seas. All those ended up also the roots of extended-time co-dependency which led me to associations in which I was frequently attempting to figure out how to preserve peace and continue to keep every person pleased. A futile process, even for a career therapist.
With all that in brain, there have been even now situations when I would disagree with my mothers and fathers. I remember an encounter with my father who inspired a neighbor boy to strike back again physically when a further child called him names. I was appalled when he did that and self-righteously stormed out of the dwelling. As a 20-something pacifist at the time, I requested him what suitable he had to inform somebody else’s offspring to haul off and hit a person when he was not being physically threatened. My father’s reaction was that “There is a different code of ethics for guys.” His contention was that if he did not stand up for himself and display his superiority, he would carry on to be a target. We never resolved that just one, even though I did sooner or later return dwelling.
The actuality is that we each and every have our possess standpoint about how everyday living need to be and the approaches in which individuals with whom we share it, really should assume and act. In a lot of families, conflict is served up as on a regular basis as the evening food, and maybe AT the night meal. Individuals disagree with just about every other about subject areas that involve, politics, sexual intercourse, religion, ethics, human rights, overall body sovereignty, revenue, animal legal rights, how children need to be elevated, peace and social justice, as well as their favored flavor of ice cream. Not sure people today would defend their choice of sweet treat quite as vociferously.
Why do people today keep away from conflict?
Anxiety of rejection
Anxiety of emotional bullying
Concern of actual physical attack
Concern of remaining thought of as the odd individual out.
It can guide to violence and vandalism of residence.
It can guide to death, even as a random and not intentional incidence.
There is area for balanced discussion the place thoughts are shared, and new options are cultivated. The words and phrases, ‘have you regarded..?,’ or ‘what about..?’ are useful equipment to foster enhanced conversation and stable associations. I believe of it as ‘solutions getting,’ and not dilemma solving. Likely for the earn-win serves everybody. Persons can disagree when there is a society of rely on in the house or office when we do not believe that anyone is out to get us. Becoming inclined to convey our beliefs in a respectful way that does no damage to other people, is strengthening to all events concerned.
These times, there is significant polarization. Each ‘side’ has identified that they are appropriate and the some others who disagree are not just erroneous, but fewer than worthy of civility as a consequence. I have powerful thoughts that lean still left and nonetheless am ready to see past what to me show up to be hardened and harmful values to the vital humanity in those carrying them. I look at that if I had lived that person’s lifetime, was taught what they were, was immersed in specified set requirements and reinforcement, I would be likely to feel, truly feel, say and do the similar things.
Lately, I attended and taught at a meeting in Alexandria, Virginia called Interfusion and went to a workshop known as Artistic Conflict: Turning Conflict Into Generation and Co-Creative imagination that was led by Taber Shadburne, MA. He described it in this way:
“We typically assume of conflict as a problem to be avoided, dangerous or damaging to our closeness with other people. But this is only simply because we have never ever uncovered how to identify conflicts plainly and use them skillfully. With the proper comprehension and use of acutely aware conversation, conflict can be seen as a highly effective source of creativity. It can be utilised constructively, to create ever-deepening levels of relationship and cooperation.”
We did a partner exercise in which we laid out all of the really should and shouldn’t judgements we held from ourselves or other people in our life. Mine ran together the traces of better self-treatment, location suitable boundaries, and relinquishing self judgement. Casting aspersions on many others for their political beliefs, lack of self-treatment, expecting me to acquire care of them, ran aspect by aspect. I puzzled what would happen if I took a ‘should fast’. Would I continue to make the ideal options? I snarkily assumed how a lot far better everyone’s daily life would be if they did what I (in my infinite knowledge) encouraged. My takeaway from the course was the concept that all of the ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’ in our lives have a tendency to detract from sincere, heart-felt discussion. That is one position in which new thoughts can arise.
Unproductive conflict, for each Taber was that it was an argument about whose interpretation of fact is suitable and whose ‘should’ is additional legitimate. Resourceful conflict will allow us to go heart to coronary heart alternatively of head to head. I a great deal want that possibility. He mentioned some thing alongside the lines that we each have the proper to want what we want, but don’t have the appropriate to get it. Others have that identical correct, but I really don’t have the obligation to deliver it to them.
How can we get inventory and be in integrity when in the midst of disagreement?
Be informed of our determination: do we want to make the other individual improper or hear them out?
Imagine and breathe in advance of we talk.
Hear with the ears of the coronary heart, with the intent to be existing and not be considering a few actions ahead about our reaction.
Recognize what buttons the disagreement is pushing and determine irrespective of whether we want that particular person to have access to it.
If you are temped to name phone or normally demean an individual for their beliefs, dilemma whether or not that is successful or harmful.
A singer songwriter good friend named Annabella Wood penned a track identified as. “I Really do not Want to Not Fight,” to explain a dynamic in her marriage to her spouse. When I very first heard it, it provided the perspective that conflict want not be destructive and can, in truth be a optimistic way of viewing everyday living through the other person’s lenses.
“Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of imaginative possibilities for responding to conflict — choices to passive or aggressive responses, alternatives to violence.” – Dorothy Thompson
America is facing a loneliness epidemic, according to research. But what exactly is loneliness? Is it social isolation? A lack of intimacy? And importantly — is loneliness a choice? In today’s podcast, Gabe and Jackie tackle these difficult questions and share their own thoughts on loneliness and how it relates to mental health. Gabe also unveils the 7 different types of loneliness — one of these being “no-animal loneliness.” But is there really such a thing? Jackie is doubtful.
Tune in to hear a thoughtful and nuanced discussion of what it means to be lonely, and see if you can relate to one or more of the 7 types.
(Transcript Available Below)
SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW
About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts
Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from Gabe Howard. To learn more, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.
Jackie Zimmerman has been in the patient advocacy game for over a decade and has established herself as an authority on chronic illness, patient-centric healthcare, and patient community building. She lives with multiple sclerosis, ulcerative colitis, and depression.
You can find her online at JackieZimmerman.co, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.
Computer Generated Transcript for “Loneliness- Mental Health” Episode
Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.
Announcer: You’re listening to Not Crazy, a Psych Central podcast. And here are your hosts, Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe Howard.
Gabe: Hello, everyone, and welcome to this week’s Not Crazy, I’d like to introduce my co-host who lives with depression, Jackie Zimmerman.
Jackie: And I’m going to introduce my co-host, Gabe, who lives with bipolar disorder.
Gabe: Jackie, people find it hard to believe that I am a lonely guy. And I think the reason that people find it hard to believe is because I’m surrounded by so many people. I’m married. I have a great co-host and friend in you. Whenever I’m seen out in public, I’m onstage or I’m giving speeches. They see my social media presence, which is really, really filled up. And they think there’s a guy that has a lot of people in his life, ergo not lonely.
Jackie: Well, I think that we live in a really interesting time right now, at a time when we are more connected than ever with social media, texting, video chats, all of these things, we would think that the opportunity for loneliness would be much smaller now. Right? We can connect anywhere at any time to anybody. But that’s not the case. Right? The stats about loneliness are kind of overwhelming right now.
Gabe: I have a saying that I can feel alone in a crowded room and I’m surprised at how often I say that, and people were like, me too, because again, we tend to think of loneliness only as not being surrounded by other people.
Jackie: I think this is a good place to throw in maybe a little bit of a definition or an interpretation of loneliness, because when we were talking about this episode and talking about like what is loneliness, what does it feel like? It’s really hard to define loneliness without saying lonely. It’s really, really hard to define exactly what it is. So this definition, I think is great, which says it’s the discrepancy between one’s desired level of connection and one’s actual level of connection, which I think is a really brilliant way to frame what loneliness is.
Gabe: That is a really brilliant way. But, Jackie, what’s your definition of loneliness?
Jackie: Ok, so full disclosure, I wrote this down and
Gabe: Cheater.
Jackie: I wrote it down. I
Gabe: Cheater.
Jackie: Wrote it down because.
Gabe: Cheater.
Jackie: Ok. I wrote it down because when I tried to talk about loneliness, I run out of words, I can’t describe it. It’s very sort of like it’s an emptiness in my brain that I just can’t, like, get out. So I wrote it down. And I think loneliness is like ultimate despair. It’s having so many thoughts and feelings that are desperate to get out of you, but feeling like you have to keep choking them down over and over. Loneliness is looking everywhere, anywhere for a helping hand, but keeping your eyes closed while you spin around feeling like nobody wants to help you. You can feel the presence of their hands, but can never feel their actual touch.
Gabe: I listened to everything that you said and I can acknowledge its beauty and I can hear the pain in your voice, and it has like a symbolism to it that maybe as a writer or a content creator, I just really, really respect. But I’m not connecting to you — like to you, Jackie. My definition of loneliness is that I feel that people don’t connect to me. I can be in a room with so many people, but I don’t feel like any of them like me. I don’t feel like any of them understand me. I don’t feel like any of them want to like or understand me. I think people are just kind of bouncing around my orbit, getting what they want for me and then moving on. In short, my definition of loneliness is a complete disconnect from the people around me. And my definition of extreme loneliness is a disconnect from the people around me who I should, in fact, not feel disconnected from. Like family or friends or my wife.
Jackie: Do you feel like if you reached out to those people, though, and you were like, hey, I really need to talk to you, they would listen?
Gabe: Oh, yeah. That’s what sucks about loneliness, right? It’s not about not talking to people. I think that there is this misconception that loneliness is social isolation. That’s nonsense. If loneliness was social isolation, every single person could defeat loneliness simply by leaving their house. Go to Burger King, go to McDonald’s, go to Starbucks, go to a restaurant. There’s gonna be people everywhere. Some of the loneliest people that I have ever talked to are surrounded by dozens of people every day via their jobs. They have families. They have children. We have to get away from this idea that loneliness is social isolation. Social isolation can certainly lead to loneliness. But social isolation just means that you are socially isolated. There are many people like, I don’t know, my grandfather. He could not lay eyes on another human for a week and he would not be one iota lonely. In fact, he’s annoyed when other people show up. He’s the opposite of Gabe.
Jackie: But the reason I asked you that is because in my definition of loneliness, I’m surrounded by people who are actively trying to help, right. I have my sister reaching out. I’ve got Adam. I’ve got friends who are like, hey, how’s it going? And I want to tell them what’s happening. But I feel like I can’t. It’s like I desperately want to share these awful feelings that I have, but I just feel like I can’t. And to me, that’s what loneliness is, is this wanting to share yourself with somebody and not being able to.
Gabe: I can agree with that. But let me take it a step farther. Do you feel empowered to tell them? No. Like you said, they’re reaching out and they want to help and you feel guilty for not letting them. But clearly, you don’t want their help. Isn’t that the ultimate in disconnect? I want to be so connected to somebody that when they say, oh, my God, Gabe, you’re so anxious and you’re so depressed and you’re clearly crying. What do you need? I can look up and say nothing. Please go away. And they say, I understand. I’ll come back in a couple of hours. Like, that’s the level that I want. What I have now is. What can I do to help you? Nothing. Are you sure? Let me do all of these things that you clearly don’t want, because I have no understanding of what you’re going through. So I’m just gonna do a whole bunch of Internet meme things to make you better. They’re trying to help. And now I feel guilty that I’m not accepting their help. But clearly, that’s proof. They don’t understand me because I don’t want their help and they don’t understand that.
Jackie: See, but I don’t feel guilty. Everything that is wrong with my brain is rooted in worth. So I feel like if they ask me how they can help. And I’m like, Oh, well, you could help me with all these things. Then I become a burden on them. And then they’re gonna be annoyed with me. And then they’re never going to ask if I want help again because they just wish that I would stop calling them. So it’s a lot of self isolation for sure, because I’m purposely pushing them away and purposely saying, I don’t want your help, but I don’t want their help because I’m afraid that by accepting their help, I’m going to eventually push them away. You know, it makes a whole lot of sense.
Gabe: One of the things that you’re describing there is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Jackie: Yes.
Gabe: You’re afraid to go down the road that might help you because it could push them away. But by refusing to go down that road, you’re just pushing them away sooner. The pushing away in the scenario that you described is actually on you because you’re just like, I don’t want to risk it. So I’m going to push you away now rather than potentially I could push you away later by accepting your help. Am I describing this correctly?
Jackie: Oh, 100 percent, and this is not a rational thought process. How many times we talked about like anxiety or depression? None of it makes sense. It’s not something that you’d go, Oh, yeah, I totally understand that. It just is completely irrational. But it brings me to a question that I think is really important based on this conversation and our differing experiences. Do you think loneliness is a choice?
Gabe: This is a really tough question for me to answer because here’s why… Yes, I absolutely think loneliness is a choice. Now, I can already hear the counter argument to that. Nobody understands me. I’m alone and people aren’t giving me what I want. I’m isolated. I don’t have the ability to make friends. I’m on and on and on and on. Oh, my God. That’s a really good point. So, no, no. Loneliness is not a choice. Now, I can already hear the counter argument to that. Well, you’re invited to parties and you don’t go. You get on dating apps to look for love. And you’re just you only will date supermodels who are 30 years younger than you and have PhD’s. You’re just not willing to accept anything. You literally shove people away, like in the example that you gave Jackie and then say, oh, I’m so lonely. In that case, it is a choice. So what do I do with that?
Jackie: You give me your opinion on whether or not loneliness is a choice.
Gabe: I think that loneliness can be a choice. I do. But here’s the thing that makes me not popular at parties. I think that depression can be a choice as well. And now everybody freaks out like, oh my God, depression is a medical disease. You don’t choose it. Who would choose this? Well, right? I completely agree with that. But there are things that you can do to make it better and you have a choice. People are like, well, it’s a really, really hard choice. I never said it was an easy choice. I said that there are things that we can do to improve our circumstances. Loneliness works that way, too. There are things that we can do to improve our circumstances. But man, I do have a really, really hard time looking at somebody like myself and being like, oh, you choose to be this way. That just sounds really fucked up to me. Like in a really, like, mean way. But at the same time, I want to tell Gabe 2.0, listen, you need to. You need to get out of the house. You need to accept the invite. You need to be open to the ideas. You need to have difficult conversations with your loved ones and tell them in no uncertain terms what you need and what you want. And if they don’t understand, you have to work harder to make them understand you have a choice to do that. So now I don’t know what to do. It’s empathy versus empowerment.
Jackie: I am in the camp that you always have a choice in everything, and a lot of people told me like, no, I didn’t have a choice to be chronically ill or I didn’t have a choice to get a flat tire or whatever. I don’t know. But I think you always have a choice. Sometimes your choices are two really shitty options, right? But you still get to pick one of them in most scenarios. In my version of loneliness, it almost always is a choice. It’s not a conscious choice. I’m not like actually saying like, yeah, this is better for sure. Let’s sit at home and not shower and hide under blankets for 10 days. I don’t really choose that, but subconsciously I am choosing it because I am not doing those things that I know will make it better. I’m not accepting invites. I’m not returning phone calls. I’m not getting the mail. You know, I’m just like existing quietly in a really awful way. And I think that if you experienced loneliness the way that I do, you being our listener, not you, Gabe, because you already said that you’re different. But if you, listener, experience loneliness the way that I do, I feel like you take part of the onus of this type of loneliness. You have to choose how to deal with it. And some days it might be being lonely and feeling awful and other days it might be going out of your comfort zone and returning a phone call.
Gabe: One of the things that I was surprised to learn in preparation for this show is that loneliness is not this all encompassing thing for everybody. Like it is for me. When I first heard about loneliness becoming like a chronic health issue, I was just like, wow, are there really that many Gabe Howards out there? And the answer is no. No, there’s not. And it’s certainly possible that you can be very satisfied and fulfilled in your home life, but feel very lonely at work, or you can feel very satisfied with your friendships and your family, but feel very lonely when it comes to romantic relationships.
Jackie: We’ll be right back after these messages.
Announcer: Interested in learning about psychology and mental health from experts in the field? Give a listen to the Psych Central Podcast, hosted by Gabe Howard. Visit PsychCentral.com/Show or subscribe to The Psych Central Podcast on your favorite podcast player.
Announcer: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.
Gabe: And we’re back, and the researchers have laid out seven different types of loneliness to kind of break it down into things. And Jackie, with your support and permission, I would love to read them.
Jackie: If you do it quickly, nobody got time for you to take a long time to read seven different types of loneliness.
Gabe: Seven is my favorite number, I’m always thinking of the number seven, so I feel like this is just really this is really set for me.
Jackie: It’s meant to be?
Gabe: It’s meant to be.
Jackie: You’re meant to read the types of loneliness?
Gabe: Yes. Here are the seven in no particular order and we’re going to discuss a couple of them when we’re done. Jackie, you pick. We have new situation loneliness, I’m-different loneliness, no-sweetheart loneliness, no-animal loneliness, no-time-for-me loneliness, untrustworthy-friends loneliness, and quiet-presence loneliness.
Jackie: So. Oh, I’m going to say a real asshole thing, which is some of these feel like very valid to me, like new-situation loneliness, right? When you move somewhere and you know, nobody that seems valid to me. No-animal loneliness seems like bullshit. ‘Cause, go get an animal or go volunteer somewhere. Go stand on a street corner and be around animals. So maybe I’m not the most empathetic person to be choosing these.
Gabe: This goes back to the conversation that we were having earlier about choices, right? Because in your mind, no-animal loneliness is bullshit because you can just go get an animal. But this assumes many things. This assumes that you live in a place where you’re allowed to own an animal. This assumes that you have the money to properly afford, take care, feed and get good vet care for an animal. And while these are things that Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe Howard may be able to afford, they’re not things that say a first year college freshman living in the dorms and valuing her education over the three animals that are currently living in her parents’ house.
Jackie: But nay, I also said if you can’t afford them, are allergic, don’t have space for them. You can volunteer at a shelter.
Gabe: But is that enough? Is that what you want out of your animal? Listen, for me, I am not an animal person, but I love my dog. But I got to tell you, if somebody told me that my dog could not, like, cuddle with me anymore, like I just had to give that up, like I’d be allowed to pet my dog. I’d be allowed to throw the rope with my dog, play tug of war, feed my dog. But listen, Gabe, no cuddling. I would go through no-animal loneliness, even though my dog would be right there because it turns out that I’m a mad cuddler when it comes to Schnauzer.
Jackie: See, but there’s still a choice in there. Right? If you are a broke college student who can’t afford it, your choice is either wait until you can’t afford it or go get one and then not be able to take care of your dog. Right? The choices are not great, but they are there.
Gabe: I just. I don’t even know what to say to that. Your choices are to get an animal and not take care of it well? That is not a good choice.
Jackie: No, it’s not.
Gabe: In this scenario that I use, I don’t know why I picked it, I just came up with it. The 18 year old is valuing their education over the animals and they’re fulfilled in every other area of their life. We’re going to pretend that they didn’t even go through new-situation loneliness. Being a freshman in a dorm like that was no problem for them. They don’t feel different. They feel connected. They have time for themselves. They love their friends. Everything is going fine. But they grew up with animals and now they don’t have animals except during spring break and Christmas. And they feel lonely about it. There’s nothing wrong with that. So now you have to decide, like, hey, is this reasonable? I do have to say that acknowledging that not having an animal makes you lonely and then acknowledging that the reason that you don’t have an animal right now is because you’re putting your college career, your future, your ability to earn money, buy a house, and then have 30 animals, including a horse and a zebra. In 10 years when you’re established, I think that those are ways to ease the loneliness. Right? To understand why you’re making the decision. But I think that feeling lonely that you don’t have an animal and this is coming from somebody that is just as not an animal person, I can kind of dig it. And I think that acknowledging it helps, even though, like you said, it may be the right decision.
Jackie: So I have four animals, I experience animal loneliness the moment I’m not in my house. I get it. But I feel like this kind of loneliness, these, I guess I’m going to call them surface level lonelinesses, is which I might get some shit for that, but I feel like almost the loneliness severity is a choice in my opinion. I know we’re harping on this animal thing, but is the no animal loneliness really affecting your life so powerfully that you are so sad and you’re isolating? You’re doing all these things that are feel awful because you’re so sad about not having an animal? If that’s the case, go find an animal. Pet sit. Walk dogs. Do whatever. Get paid to walk dogs, do whatever. But if you’re just like, man, I really miss my dog at home, then maybe you just gotta wait till you get home and see your dog.
Gabe: I think that everything that you said is fantastic and I can’t disagree with it. And I think that that’s really healthy to understand cause and effect, to understand prioritizing things in your life. And it doesn’t have to be on animals like you said. Let’s not harp on the animals. You can make this about, you know, your new situation, your job or feeling different or not trusting friends. You can go out and make new friends. You can, you know, just whatever. I think there is a path out of loneliness. I think that the reason people feel so lonely and isolated is because they don’t understand that there’s a path out of it. And when they talk to people about being lonely, they get dismissed so quickly. Oh, you don’t have a dog. Who cares? That person does. End of conversation. We just do this a lot where we decide that it’s not important. And the number one way that we do this in America is every single 30-year-old up completely dismisses the loneliness that a teenager feels about not having a significant other. Because once we hit 30, we realize that your 16 year old significant other is nonsense. It’s just nonsense. You’re gonna be in love so much in your life. You’re gonna love everybody. You’re going to date a million people. It’s gonna be fine. You’re going to realize how insignificant this relationship is. The key word there is you’re gonna realize it. It’s a future thing for them. So when every 30, 40, 50, 60 year old looks at the 16, 17, 18 year old and says, oh, you just broke up with your boyfriend? Yeah, who cares? That’s a meaningless relationship. I don’t care. That exacerbates the loneliness. It exacerbates the disconnected feeling because it really, really, really, really matters to them. Even though in the words of the great Jackie, it’s surface. It’s surface loneliness. Who cares?
Jackie: I know it’s dismissive and I think that you’re right that the worst thing you can do to somebody who’s feeling any form of loneliness is to just dismiss their feelings and be like, yeah, but like get over yourself and move on. Which is totally what I did about the animals. But I still maintain, regardless of the type of loneliness you have. There are choices in there. And what the person who is dismissing you is trying to say is choose something different. And I’m not defending that person at all. I’m not because dismissive people suck, myself included. But they’re trying to say there is an alternative option here to what you’re feeling and maybe they’re doing it the wrong way. Maybe they don’t really see what the alternative option is, but they don’t see what you see.
Gabe: I point out the way that adults treat children’s romance on purpose because we’re all guilty of it. Even people who feel dismissed and isolated and incredibly lonely, they’re all going to turn around and do that to their 16-year-old nephew. Their 18-year-old niece, their 12 year old child. They’re just going to completely just blow the whole thing off as if it’s not important. And then when somebody does it to them, they’re like, oh, my God, how could this happen? So I just want to point out that we’re all guilty of it. So that way when somebody does it to you, you can realize that they’re not being malicious. The reason that they’re blowing off, the thing that’s important to you is probably a lack of understanding, not this desire to be mean to you or to dislike you or to hate you. And that helps me get over it faster when I realize that the reason my wife doesn’t understand me is simply because she doesn’t understand me. That makes me feel a whole lot better than when I think that the reason that she doesn’t understand me is because she hates me.
Gabe: And as somebody with an anxiety disorder, I can jump to the worst conclusion in a single bounce and I need to get over that. And to your point, Jackie, there are choices in there. And I think that choices are very, very empowering. As long as we understand that sometimes just because we make the choice doesn’t mean we’re gonna get our way. I mean, I made the choice to be a millionaire, but I’m not one. So my choice is largely irrelevant in that. However, I do have the ability to work hard, to save money, to make good financial investments. And while I probably will never be a millionaire, I have a better shot at it than if I ran up all of my credit cards and refuse to work. And I think that’s kind of what you’re getting at. Right? It’s understanding what you can control, what you can’t control, and understanding why people relate to you in the way that you do and how you can not internalize other people’s misunderstandings.
Jackie: Exactly. Yes. And part of what you dabbled in there is one of these things that I don’t want to spend a ton of time on, but it’s the I’m-different loneliness. And I think that is the thing that any listener of this show has experienced, whether it be because of mental illness or things that maybe we have made up in our head of things that we think make us different. I know I do that all the time. The I’m-different loneliness is very real because maybe you are very different. There is a good example here of maybe you are really, really tied to your faith, and it’s really important to you and you’re in a new place where nobody shares the same faith as you. That’s something that could be really detrimental to your social life and even your types of conversations you have with people. And I’m-different loneliness, whatever you are feeling different about, is hard to kick. It’s hard to be like, yeah, I feel different. But everything’s cool anyway. But I still feel like there’s a choice in there. You can actively pursue people who are similar than you. Actively pursue more education about what makes you different and why it makes you different. You can fill a gap if there’s not a thing for people who are different like you. Maybe you need to create it.
Gabe: My takeaway from all of this, Jackie, is that I do think that people have choices. But I want to be clear that just because somebody has choices to improve their situations doesn’t mean that the rest of the world can be a jerk to them. So what, they have choices. Maybe you could be empathetic and understanding and help them realize those choices and make it. You know, so often these people are just like get better, do better, be better. You could go for a walk. That’s not helpful. I also want to say to the people like Gabe, the people who have the choices, maybe don’t wait around for people to be understanding and empathetic. As much as I hate to say it, I am my own biggest fan and my own biggest cheerleader. And getting off my own ass and doing things is something that I had to learn early on. I believe that you can do it. Jackie believes that you can do it. And there’s a whole community of people who have done it. And I just want you to know that, because we can move forward in meaningful ways and that means you, you can move forward in meaningful ways.
Jackie: Wow, Gabe, that was beautiful.
Gabe: I feel like you’re mocking me, but I’ll allow it.
Jackie: I am mocking you, but I actually believe that was beautiful. Because the root of that is you are your best advocate as somebody who has been sick for a really long time. You are your best advocate and at times you’re your only advocate. So if you’re not advocating to make your life better or to change your situation or to change your circumstances, you can’t really expect other people to do it for you.
Gabe: Jackie, as always, it’s fun hanging out with you, I want to leave our listeners with this quote that I read doing research for this episode. It’s that if you’re ever feeling lonely, go outside and look at the moon because chances are somebody somewhere is doing it as well. It’s not the kind of gushy stuff I normally like, but that one spoke to me. But listen, and this is very important. Don’t stare at the sun because nobody else is doing that. Thanks, everybody, for listening to this week’s episode of Not Crazy. Did you know that Jackie and I will live podcast wherever you are? Email us at [email protected] for details. And hey, we could show up in your town. Wherever you downloaded this podcast, please rate, review, and subscribe. Share us on social media and use your words. Tell people why they should listen to the show. And finally, stay tuned after the credits for our outtake of the week. They’re always awesome, although sometimes they’re more awesome than not. Thanks, Lisa.
Jackie: Make good choices.
Announcer: You’ve been listening to Not Crazy from Psych Central. For free mental health resources and online support groups, visit PsychCentral.com. Not Crazy’s official website is PsychCentral.com/NotCrazy. To work with Gabe, go to gabehoward.com. To work with Jackie, go to JackieZimmerman.co. Not Crazy travels well. Have Gabe and Jackie record an episode live at your next event. E-mail [email protected] for details.
Conferences can be extensive and repetitive, calendar year right after 12 months of identical varieties of talks, given by lots of of the exact same people today. What receives lost in a lot of conferences is the voice of the attendee, the voice of a different variety of specialist.
Are you looking for something unique to teach and interact your attendees at your upcoming meeting, fundraiser, conference, or other function?
If so, we’ve acquired something brilliant to announce — Psych Central Stay! A special stay taping of a podcast exhibit, tailored to your desires and viewers.
You can give your audience a break from the regular displays and speeches by internet hosting a are living recording of The Psych Central Podcast or Not Nuts at your event! A stay recording from your event not only provides a departure from the schedule, but it’s also a enjoyment, simple way to split up the working day. Your viewers will be speaking about this for weeks afterward.
Psych Central Are living is straightforward to arrange at your subsequent function or conference. Our planners will operate with you to determine the design, demonstrate matters, format, and complex requires. We’ll choose treatment of all the specifics, which includes the specialized set up wanted to assure the podcast goes on without a hitch.
About the Psych Central Podcasts
The initially episode of The Psych Central Podcast aired on November 3, 2016, with Psych Central founder Dr. John Grohol. At the time, we had been manufacturer new to podcasting and weren’t absolutely sure what to count on. But just after a superior offer of trial and error, we determined that what individuals preferred was psychology discussed just. Our listeners told us they desired participating guest authorities who could illuminate and explain a thing about interactions, mental health, psychological sickness, or psychology that additional something to their lifestyle.
Host Gabe Howard helped craft that aim. “I imagined of my father, actually,” he says. “When I was diagnosed with bipolar condition, he desired data that was the two accurate and easy to recognize. He’s not a reader, but he enjoys seeing and listening to academic systems. He’s the audience I photograph in my head when I interview our attendees.”
The results of The Psych Central Podcast made it possible to launch an additional podcast, Not Insane, co-hosted by Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe. “We felt the first podcast did a fantastic career capturing the professional medical facets of psychological sickness but not so wonderful at capturing what it is like to dwell with psychological disease. So Not Outrageous was born.”
I believe that both podcasts provide a unique listener base and enhance our ongoing 25-yr mission of sharing related, goal mental health material from a number of perspectives.
What to Hope From a Live Podcast Party
Before the formal recording begins, your viewers will be engaged by our hosts to established the tone for the party. Soon after the warm-up, the show’s theme tunes will engage in and the formal recording will get started. The show will contain open discussions about psychological wellness and mental health issues with your preference of formats, together with:
One-on-a person interviews
Host-led panel discussions
Sharing of affected individual experiences and stories
Audience Q&A and participation
. . . and more!
Your attendees will expertise one thing new, and your celebration will be launched to an viewers of 50,000+ listeners. When the podcast goes live, you can share the recording with these who attended and people who might have skipped the party.
Find out A lot more & Book Your Function
“Wow” your viewers and make your upcoming celebration uniquely memorable! Email [email protected] currently and stop by the Psych Central Live event site for much more facts.
And, in pursuit of that desire, additional than 6,000 people wander down the aisle in the U.S. every and each individual day! (Which is far more than two million weddings for each 12 months.)
And, according to a report from Audio Vision, the average wedding day costs all over an believed $20,000.
The 12 “Golden Rules” Of A Pleased, Lengthy-Long lasting Marriage
But, for all of that dreaming of wedded bliss, 40 to 50 per cent of marriages continue to conclusion in divorce.
When you communicate about relationship, most folks assume about the wedding day as an alternative of the long and, generally, tough several years of married existence.
So, how do you know if your “I do” will make the length?
Perfectly, of study course, you ought to figure out that a great marriage is a little something that couples make on. You cannot merely get married and assume all the things to do the job out wonderful. It usually takes hard function, devotion, and mutual affection and regard to produce a romantic relationship that lasts a life span.
If you’re curious about how your relationship is faring so considerably, right here are 9 signals the love in your marriage is designed to previous endlessly, in accordance to science.
1. You had an extravagant wedding celebration.
Analysis shows that partners who have a wedding ceremony with extra than 200 men and women are 12.5 times significantly less likely to get divorced than couples who rejoice it in little weddings or all by itself.
So, if you experienced a massive marriage ceremony with a good deal of company, that might be a indicator that you’re in a long-lasting marriage.
2. You’re the two economically steady.
Surveys revealed that married partners are 51 per cent considerably less probable to divorce when their mixed money equals $125,000 or much more per yr.
While cash can’t invest in like, it definitely helps couples avoid many money disputes in their associations. These economical disputes can sometimes spin out of hand and final result in divorce.
3. You’re open with each individual other.
Opening your heart and exposing your vulnerabilities in a romance is tricky. But, it can help you find out much more about each and every other and get to know each and every other far better.
If you and your husband or wife are comfortable with each other and can converse overtly, then it is a indicator that your marriage can previous for a pretty long time.
4. You concentrate on the very good instead of the negative.
Considering adverse thoughts about your partner results in you to emphasis on their downfalls and shortcomings. But no one is fantastic.
When you think about your lover in a optimistic method, you shift your concentrate to your partner’s great traits. This can make matters much a lot easier and contributes to a extensive-lasting marriage.
5. You dated for a lengthy time prior to marrying.
A review found that couples who dated for at minimum three years ahead of getting married are 39 percent much less most likely to get a divorce.
The examine suggests that a great deal time invested alongside one another before marriage allows a pair to truly get to know just about every other and for an adequate sum of everyday living arranging to manifest.
The 50 Most effective Relationship Guidelines Of All Time From 50 Marriage Experts
6. You went on a honeymoon.
Investigation tells us that couples who go on a honeymoon instantly immediately after they get married are 41 % fewer most likely to get divorced later on in existence.
The honeymoon allows the pair release all of the designed-up tension that accumulated even though preparing the wedding, allowing for the pair to reconnect and begin the relationship off on the ideal foot.
7. You don’t care about seems to be.
Whilst some men and women take into consideration seems and prosperity an critical issue when they select a associate, study indicates that couples who emphasis much more on internal attractiveness than on outer seems and wealth are 50 % much less very likely to divorce.
8. You comprehend each other’s Adore Language.
The Association for Psychological Science suggests that how couples connect often predicts the success price of their partnership and marriage.
When two men and women are in a relationship for a long time, they commence to pick up on each and every other’s behaviors and even get started to discuss the exact “language.” They also learn each other’s special Appreciate Language.
This helps make paying out several a long time with each other a considerably a lot more enjoyable practical experience.
9. You struggle good.
Preventing is pure for a few, married or not. Conflicts will appear up that need to have resolution.
When fighting in the marriage is honest and the two events aim on the specific conflict rather of screaming and speaking down to just about every other, it is a signal of a nutritious marriage that will last.
Countless numbers of folks get married every single one day.
Quite a few of these marriages stop up in divorce. Examining your connection can be a excellent way to get a obvious photograph of the current wellness and position of your “happy marriage”.
The 9 indications over offer you seen proof of healthier interactions. So, if your partnership reveals any just one of them, then you and the adore of your everyday living actually might end up dwelling happily ever soon after. Congratulations!
This guest report was at first published on YourTango.com: 9 Scientifically Established Signs Your Relationship is Built to Very last
MONDAY, Feb. 3, 2020 (HealthDay Information) — Each being pregnant and breastfeeding may possibly safeguard women towards early menopause, new investigation implies.

The risk was most affordable among the people who breast-fed completely, which means the little one received breast milk only — no liquids or good foods. Early menopause is the stop of menstruation prior to age 45, the study authors reported.

For the review, the researchers analyzed facts from much more than 108,000 U.S. women enrolled in the ongoing Nurses’ Well being Examine II, which started in 1989.

“In our review, ladies with a few or more pregnancies who breastfed exclusively for a whole of 7 to 12 months had about a 32% reduced hazard of early menopause in contrast to girls with the same quantity of kids who breastfed solely for significantly less than just one thirty day period,” explained research initial author Christine Langton. She is a Ph.D. pupil at the College of Massachusetts Amherst’s University of Public Health and fitness and Well being Sciences.

In comparison to ladies with no whole-phrase pregnancies, females who experienced two pregnancies had a 16% decreased possibility of early menopause and gals with three pregnancies had a 22% reduced risk, the results confirmed.

The study was revealed online not long ago in JAMA Community Open.

Pregnancy and breastfeeding generally reduce ovulation and may sluggish the organic depletion of ovarian follicles in excess of time, thus reducing the possibility of early menopause, according to the scientists. But the examine did not prove a cause-and-outcome marriage.

Early menopause is connected with greater chance of heart disorder, psychological drop and osteoporosis.

“Our breastfeeding conclusions not only insert new insight into strategies to avoid early menopause, but they align properly with recommendations of each the American Academy of Pediatrics and World Overall health Corporation that U.S. females solely feed their infants breast milk for at the very least 6 months and continue on breastfeeding for up to 1 calendar year,” Langton stated in a university news launch.

“Our study has a great deal of strength simply because of the substantial sample dimensions, the 26 a long time of stick to-up and the prospective style and design. Also, at baseline we confined our review to women of all ages who had been premenopausal, which is a important stage,” she said.
Democrats are drilling down on opposite sides of the fracking divide, widening a schism between the party’s climate-concerned progressive wing and centrists who fear a hard-line stance against fossil fuels risks ceding critical swing states to President Donald Trump.
As Iowa caucusgoers cast the first votes of the 2020 primary contest on Monday, Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.), who an aggregation of polls showed leading in the state in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination, unveiled the first-ever federal bill to phase out fracking nationwide. It calls for instituting a complete ban on the drilling technique by 2025. Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) and Darren Soto (D-Fla.) joined Sen. Jeff Merkley (D-Ore.) to co-sponsor the legislation.
In December, former Vice President Joe Biden, the leader in an aggregation of national polls in the Democratic race, told activists in Iowa that “you can’t ban fracking right now” and, if that’s what they wanted, they “ought to vote for someone else.” On Sunday, Rep. Conor Lamb (D-Penn.) published a letter to the editor in The Wall Street Journal praising the centrist favorite for his opposition to banning fracking.
The opposing positions illustrate on one hand how quickly the global warming crisis has reshaped Democratic politics and on the other the strength of the industry’s grip on the party that, under President Barack Obama, helped spur the drilling boom.
The debate comes at a vulnerable moment for the industry as low gas prices, falling costs of renewable energy sources and mounting worries about climate change are starting to spook investors ― a once-unthinkable reality that came to a head last week when CNBC commentator Jim Cramer declared: “I’m done with fossil fuels. They’re done. They’re just done.”
Pollution Woes Incite Fracking Foes
The fracking industry, by its own account, has come a long way since 2008, when the watchdog site ProPublica started publishing a series of exposés on the threat posed by the cancer-causing chemicals the drilling practice releases into drinking water across the U.S.
But frackers’ own thirst for water has only grown. A 2018 study in the journal Science Advances found fracking companies used 770% more water per well in 2016 than in 2011. It also produced up to 1,440% more toxic wastewater. Meanwhile, a Rolling Stone investigation published last month found the drilling byproduct to contain dangerous amounts of radioactive rock unearthed during extraction that appears to be creating an environmental crisis unto itself.
Jeff Swensen via Getty Images
President Donald Trump spoke last August at the then-under-construction Shell Pennsylvania Petrochemical Complex in Monaca, Pennsylvania, which will convert natural gas into plastics.
Emissions from fracking are coming under increasing scrutiny, too. In a report published in January 2019, scientists at more than a dozen environmental groups projected new U.S. oil and gas drilling ― 90% of which depends on fracking ― would produce upward of 1,000 coal plants’ worth of planet-heating gases. New satellites equipped to monitor output from gas wells ― primarily spewing methane, a shorter-lasting but more potent greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide ― detected the largest leak in U.S. history at a little-known fracking site in Ohio.
Those pollution concerns have driven efforts to ban fracking on county and state levels. Now nearly every major Democrat vying to take on Trump later this year supports ending fracking on federal lands. Such a ban, which could be enacted by a president through executive order, could affect 14% of total production, according to an RBC Capital Markets report last October.
Some, such as Sanders, have embraced a more aggressive approach, calling for an end to fracking altogether.
“A nationwide fracking ban would be invaluable for human health,” Barbara Gottlieb, environment and health program director at the nonprofit Physicians for Social Responsibility, said in a statement. “Fracking harms human health, contaminates huge amounts of water, and pollutes the air. It exposes local communities to chemicals known to be toxic to humans and animals.”
Fueling Swing State Anxieties
Calls to completely ban fracking are generating some excitement nationally. In a September poll commissioned by the left-leaning think tank Data for Progress, nearly 46% of registered voters said they support prohibiting fracking, including 32% who “strongly” favored a ban. But such proposals aren’t sitting well in critical battleground states like Pennsylvania.
In a November 2019 poll by Kaiser Family Foundation and the Cook Political Report, 69%, swing voters in the Keystone Stone overwhelmingly supported the Green New Deal framework for a progressive, ambitious climate policy. But just 39% backed a ban on fracking.
“Men and women need to eat and put a roof over their head, and I am willing to die on the union way of life hill,” Pennsylvania Lt. Gov. John Fetterman (D), a populist progressive from the state’s economically devastated western half, said in a recent episode of The New York Times podcast The Daily. “There needs to be the most stringent, rigorous environmental controls and oversights, and plans to continually transition towards cleaner energy sources. But (fracking) is still a necessary part of our economy.”
The podcast featured leaders from traditionally Democratic unions who work on fossil fuel projects saying they’d recommend rank-and-file workers vote for Trump if Democrats nominated a candidate who supported a fracking ban. It’s a message the industry’s biggest lobby is eager to amplify.
“Banning a safe, successful method of developing energy would erase a generation of American energy progress and in the process destroy millions of U.S. jobs, spike household energy costs and hurt farmers and manufacturers,” Bethany Aronhalt, a spokeswoman for the American Petroleum Institute, said by email Monday.
Trump, a fossil fuel hardliner who rejects the basic science underpinning climate change, has made the “energy revolution” and “American energy dominance” central planks of his public messaging. Rolling back environmental regulations, particularly those aimed at curbing emissions from the oil and gas sector, has been and remains a top priority for his administration, which took some of its most brazen steps yet to unwind such public safeguards last month.
Others say fears that targeting fracking will deliver Pennsylvania and its 20 electoral votes to Trump are overblown. Less than 1% of Pennsylvania’s population works in gas drilling, and union membership is only about 12% of those employed in the industry.
Local elections in Pennsylvania undercut the national narrative about fracking’s strength as an electoral issue in the state. In 2018, two democratic socialists calling either for a moratorium or new restrictions on fracking ― Sara Innamorato and Summer Lee ― defeated old-guard incumbent Democrats and won seats in the Pennsylvania House of Representatives. Last November, three out of four Democrats who ran for city council in the deep-red Pittsburgh suburb of Franklin Park won after campaigning on their opposition to new fracking in the town’s 80-acre public park.
Sanders, who pitched a $16.3 trillion Green New Deal last fall, said Monday he’d ensure “a just transition for all fossil fuel workers.”
Spencer Platt via Getty Images
A fracking site on the outskirts of town in the Permian Basin oil field in Midland, Texas.
“We must realize that workers in the fracking fields are not the enemy, coal miners are not the enemy, and oil rig workers are not the enemy. Climate change is the enemy,” Sanders said in a statement. “If we are serious about clean air and drinking water, if we are serious about combating climate change, the only safe and sane way to move forward is to ban fracking nationwide.”
‘Goldilocks Zone’
Ironically, it’s the oil and gas industry that could see benefits from federal policies that cut back on the global supply of fuel. For years, oil and gas prices have plunged lower and lower as production roared, creating a glut in the market. The oversupply had the effect of running coal-fired power plants out of business as cheaper gas remained the preferred option for policymakers who also touted its generally lower emissions.
But it also made the costly business of fracking new wells and transporting that product to market largely unprofitable. A telling headline from the financial site Investopedia last summer wondered: “Can fracking survive at $50 a barrel” for oil?
The answer, the site concluded, was yes, but production would likely decrease. That’s bad news for the U.S. industry giants Exxon Mobil Corp. and Chevron Corp., which last year laid plans to dramatically ramp up production in the Permian Basin, the teeming oil and gas formation that spans from West Texas to New Mexico. Both companies reported slumping fourth-quarter earnings last Friday. Goldman Sachs analysts downgraded Exxon stock to “sell” on Monday.
Five years of low prices put the industry in a bind. At prices cheaper than coal, fracked gas became the nation’s main fuel for electricity, providing market dominance even if it failed to generate substantial profits. But the ever-falling price of solar and wind energy now threatens to gobble up that market if, or when, gas prices climb. It’s already cheaper to increase energy efficiency and build renewables than to construct new gas plants and pipelines, according to a 2019 report from the nonprofit Rocky Mountain Institute. By the mid-2030s, it’ll cost less to deploy clean energy than to continue operating existing gas plants ― and that’s without a major federal intervention to phase out fracking.
“What the oil and gas sector needs is Goldilocks pricing; not so high that renewables gain a competitive advantage and not so low that the companies can’t make profits,” Clark Williams-Derry, an analyst at the nonprofit Institute for Energy Economics & Financial Analysis, said by phone. “But that Goldilocks zone is getting narrower and narrower.”
Calling all HuffPost superfans!
Sign up for membership to become a founding member and help shape HuffPost’s next chapter
